What is the toughest question you have asked someone today? Maybe it was work related, “Do you have the P.O for me?” or maybe it was personal, “Can I borrow some money?” For me, it was asking my 81-year old dad, “Hey. Do you think it’s time to maybe give up your car?” Yesterday, it was the same question.
You see, my dad has Dementia and over the last several months it has gotten progressively worse. As a result, my sister and I are having to ask some very hard questions and make some very difficult decisions. Added to the situation is that while my sister is local, I am 2,500 miles away. Needless to say, it makes it a challenge to just drop on over and help him find his mobile phone or figure out why his Wi-Fi isn’t working.
Everyone’s case with Dementia is different as it is not just one thing – although memory loss is certainly the most common symptom. If you ask my dad about the 1972 Boston Bruins Stanley Cup win, he can name every player, score, and detail. However, if you ask him what he had for breakfast an hour ago, he has no idea.
My dad is the nicest, most caring, helpful person I have ever known, and he and my mom did a great job of raising us. Now, I can only hope to repay all they did for us in their time of need.
While dealing with this is personal, it affects every aspect of my day. I am lucky to work for a company like Cisco that allows me a tremendous amount of flexibility. From co-workers that understand a last-minute shift in my schedule to my manager’s support, this all helps to make my day a little easier. My manager even helped me with resources I didn’t even know that I had!
Did you know about the Employee Assistance Program? I didn’t. My manager informed me of the program and benefits that could help my family out and it’s been a tremendous support!
As much as Cisco has helped my family and me, I’ve learned quite a bit on my own, too. Like I don’t correct my dad when he repeats himself, as that only frustrates him. I just go with the flow – a little bit of patience goes a long way in making everyone happier.
Here are a few other things I have learned in this journey.
1. Know Your Resources: Dealing with this is hard – there is no way around it. Don’t take it all on yourself. I have been amazed at the number of people willing to help my dad. Equally important has been the number of people that reached out to make sure I was okay.
I am so thankful that Cisco had my back during this time with Cisco’s Employee Assistance Program and The Caregiving Concierge. This, along with other benefits we have, helped me learn how to care for a family member with memory loss. I was able to research symptoms and even how to find transportation and in-home assistance for my dad, which helped me maintain a relatively normal life and was cathartic for me to easily get this help for him.
2. Ask the Tough Questions: This has become a regular occurrence for us. Asking your parents if they have a will, or plans should they need assistance, or what their final wishes are awful to think about – but they are necessary. We are lucky that my mom has taken care of all of this and provided us the information we need, but we have found ourselves having to ask some of these questions of my Dad. It is stressful, and it is something I think is important to start doing as early as possible. There are many great articles out there. Spend a little time reading some before you have “the talk”. It really makes things easier.
3. Know the Depth of Your Resources: This goes beyond just Google and home health care or visiting nurses. Living so far away from my family, it’s important for me to know there are others to help my dad.
We were able to identify the friends and family that could help him with things like a ride to the store or replacing a light bulb and found great resources in the town where he lives. Ride programs that help patients get to and from the doctor’s office are great – and the local college offered an elderly assistance program! A student comes just to help with my dad’s two cats.
As my dad refuses to use a smartphone – we put a list of contacts by his phone and explained what each contact could do to help him, as well as utilized a wall calendar so he knows what is going on each day. These ‘small’ things help me to feel a little less stressed knowing we have this support.
4. Take Time for Yourself. Watching a loved one deteriorate takes a mental toll on everyone. Believe me, I have had plenty of guilt over having to rely on other people and being far away. It can become all-consuming. Find the balance. Play music – and play it loudly. Go for a drive. Go to the gym. Do something for you so that you can continue to be in the right frame of mind to provide the best support that you can for those you love.
These times are difficult, but thanks to my network of family, friends and co-workers – along with the support Cisco provides for employees – I know we are doing the best we can for my dad.
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To learn more check out the Alzheimer’s Association | Eldercare Resources | Caring for Aging Parents | Cisco’s Adult Caregivers Network
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Thank you fir sharing Ken. Sorry for the stress in you and your family. Give a call to chat if you are up to it
Oh Kenny. And here you are constantly checking in on me with everything on your plate. You are a great friend and a great son, your dad is so lucky to have you. Stay strong, you and your family are in my prayers friend. ❤️?❤️
Thank you for writing and posting this Ken. Well written and well thought out. People need to know about this!
Great article Ken. Through all of this, family keeps progressing on along with its challenges. Reach out if you want to chat. Peace brother!
This is so beautifully written my friend. Barry is truly blessed to have such a remarkable son. Your pain is evident in your words but your strength is what impresses me the most. Love you to the moon!
There is nothing more precious than family. Stay Strong mate and feel free to chat, whenever you want.
Thanks for sharing the experience Ken. I remember when my parents had to have these conversations with my grandparents, and also realize one day, it’ll be my time to work with the same issues and further down the road my children will have to do the same for me, being open and talking about these things with our children should help them be prepared. I wonder how AI and self driving will change the experience for the next generation?
Thanks for sharing Ken! I just went through this a few years ago with my Dad. Although it was one of the most difficult times in my life, looking back I feel so honored I had the privilege to be there 100%. Cisco and all of the support and programs available for those caring for loved ones was a HUGE blessing. I encourage anyone who needs support to reach out and utilize these programs – “it takes a village”!!!
Enjoy every moment you can. We need good people like you. Look for help and solace where ever you can find it. The path can become heartbreaking. My deepest sympathies. Brother in sorrow.
Great article Ken! We went through the same thing first with my father in 2014 (my siblings were local in Chicago area, me in Cali) and in 2019-20 with my father-in-law who lived in San Antonio. Its tough on everyone and you practical examples are great (wish we knew more of those at the time).
very inspiring to see the openness in sharing the personal thoughts and managing them. It is helpful for others facing similar challenges and knowing the available resources in cisco.
Ken, sending you much peace on your journey…peace, LOVE, and support to you and your family.
What a great way to support employees and their families!
Ken, Thank you for sharing this very difficult time with your Dad & also pointing out the resources that are available to many who may need now or in the future..
Your Dad is proud of you & your sister for looking out for him, That’s what family is all about.
Take care
This is very inspiring Ken, thank you for sharing, Family is the most precious gift in our lives.
Stay Strong!
This is very inspiring Ken, thank you for sharing, Family is the most precious gift in our lives.
Stay Strong!
Thank you Ken for sharing your struggles and how you are addressing as a help for all of us.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to write this story. I wish I had seen this when I had to ask my Grandfather for his car keys. Please take a moment for you, you are a very kind person.
Thank you for sharing. I agree- Cisco provides us employees incredible resources to manage life outside the ‘office’. Consequently, this allows us to be more productive at work. I don’t know you, but virtual hugs.
Hey Ken,
I’ve been through this with my mom for over 7 years. I’m actually in the process of writing a book about the journey. If you ever want to talk feel free to reach out, I learned a lot to say the least! Best of luck to you and your family!
I’m also going though this with my dad while my mother is in Hospice for cancer. It certainly is a blessing to work at Cisco for all the reasons you mentioned.
Thank you for sharing Ken. My family is struggling with hard questions of our own with my grandfather. Your story is so inspiring and speaks volumes to your commitment to family. Always here, friend!
I just read this, and it brought back so many memories of going through this with my own mom. It’s hard being so far away, I know. Take care of yourself.
Great article. Thank you for sharing all this information with us on how to support family members.